i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
