Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
