Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
