I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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