Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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