If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's official drugs can't kill me
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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