honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
