i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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