i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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