Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
