period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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