Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
