This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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