The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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