VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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