beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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