btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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