WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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