It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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