I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
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Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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