Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
