come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
