My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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