The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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