Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
