I will die if light touches me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
