4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
