Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
