Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
