Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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