I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
