I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
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Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
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The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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