if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
