I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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