Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
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Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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