Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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