i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
