Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
