ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
