it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
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You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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