This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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