just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
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I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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