I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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