I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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