Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's never too late to be topless.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
