did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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