we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
