she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
