i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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