I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
worst night to have a conscience
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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