**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
