She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
