I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
