Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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