I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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